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  “I love him dearly,” Milo said.

  “He does. Men are complicated, Jesse, and sometimes silly, yet I wanted badly to be one. Humans as a whole are fallible. When you know someone, their intent is obvious. You’ll see. Now then, Jesse, I am a transgender fellow. My mother and father named me Marika when I was born and raised me as a girl. From the time I was six or younger, I knew that wasn’t right. I became Rocky when I was eleven, then physiologically a bit later…some, and then some more, to match what I’d felt all along. So…dear, dear Jesse, ask me anything.”

  “Oh. I guess…first…I wonder if it hurts…when things start to change…with the hormones.”

  “Not enough for me to remember all these years later. I’m a dinosaur. I do suspect things have also changed.”

  “Did you get the surgeries?”

  “Yes. Both, which hurt as much as you might expect, the same as any other major medical procedure would.”

  “Oh.” Jesse flinched. “I broke my arm at hockey once.”

  “Then you know.”

  “Was it worth it?” Jesse asked.

  “Was fixing your arm?”

  Jesse smiled. “Yeah.”

  “Indubitably.”

  “So…um…do you have a boyfriend…or…?”

  “Would I, have I, or do I?”

  “Any of those.”

  “Relationships are complicated, dear young one. I’ve taken lovers of both genders as I tried to find my identity beyond body parts I wasn’t born with and those I wish I hadn’t been. I’ve been with people to fill my lonely bed and some to fill my lonely heart who never filled my soul or my need for intellectual stimulation. There has been heartbreak with the good ones and the bad. The course of true love never runs smoothly or something like that.”

  “Don’t turn him off to romance before he even gets a bloody run at it, Rocky.”

  “Not my intention, Booger. When you fall in love, Jesse, as the person you know yourself to be, and someone loves that you back…there is nothing better.”

  Chapter 6

  In the days that passed, Jesse and Milo became almost inseparable. They stood in the Tsuchino kitchen one afternoon, Jesse talking a mile a minute after one of their trips down to NYU. “The coolest thing,” Jesse said, “is there are people just like me there. I met four other trans male teens, all of them at different stages with drugs and surgeries, one who doesn’t want surgery at all. The psychiatrist I liked best, she was all, like, how it’s okay that I’m scared. I told her how some days I’m not totes sure. I mean, I know I’m a guy. I believe that all the way. But I worry sometimes that I won’t feel right after all the surgery and stuff. Some people only use the hormones and skip the surgeries. Should I do that? I was so scared she was going to be like that doctor the girl online said made her stop. But she said it would be stupid if I wasn’t at least a little bit nervous. That’s what the psychiatric part is all about, she told me, digging into, like, those feelings and exploring. A little anxiety is all norm. I start seeing a doctor here in Westchester once a week right after school starts. Thank you again, Milo.” Jesse nearly knocked him over with an embrace.

  “No problem, love.” Jesse spoke to Rocky for over an hour.

  “What does your grandmother think of all of this?” Erika asked.

  “I haven’t said anything. Still.” Jesse’s smile faded. “She works and thinks I’m hanging out with friends. She’s kind of happy about that, because I’ve been known to isolate, except for Kensuke. I don’t expect her to be mean, but I’m nervous. I want to tell Kensuke first, though. Can he come up?”

  Erika and Tom Alan exchanged glances.

  “Please. He wonders where I’m going all the time. Fortunately, he’s got another job. He’s at Best Buy part-time.”

  “Heaven help anyone out to buy a telly,” Milo muttered.

  “You’re so funny.” Jesse brushed his bare arm.

  “I didn’t know you two had gotten back together,” Erika said.

  “We make up and break up all the time. He says it’s because I’m such a girl.” When Jesse flinched,

  Milo offered a supportive touch. “I told him I’ve been looking at colleges down in the city with One Direction. Not a total lie, right? I just…I feel so comfortable with you guys now. It would help to have you around.”

  “I don’t see why not,” Erika decided. “How’s…Monday?” Selfishly, she wanted the weekend more or less to themselves, to catch up on sleep if nothing else when not on the ice. “If Kensuke can get the day off, we’ll barbecue or something.”

  “Like a Labor Day coming out party,” Milo said with a smile.

  The others turned to Jesse. He smiled, then laughed. “You’re such a goof.” He added a hip check, and Erika could breathe again.

  * * * *

  Kensuke and Jesse arrived bright and early in the morning, not totally unannounced, but definitely long before expected. Milo smelled like the spices from his body wash and his hair was frizzy and damp. A few spots on his boxer briefs showed dampness as well, where he hadn’t fully dried. Tom Alan’s bedhead indicated his boxers were likely yesterday’s. Kensuke’s jaw dropped at the sight of both. “Kyoko let us in on her way out to walk,” Jesse explained.

  “Bloody hell!” Milo inverted an empty cereal bowl over his crotch, while Tom Alan scooted around the kitchen island as Kensuke followed. Flip and Twizzle joined in as Etsuko, in her high chair, giggled at the spectacle.

  “Jesse, you’re welcome here anytime,” Tom Alan said. “But please, call first.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Hey. We need a couple of things for tonight, right, Tom Alan?” Erika picked up her purse. “Did you bring your car, Kensuke?”

  “We came up on the train,” Jesse said. “And walked over from the station.”

  “You can take mine then.”

  “Kiki!”

  “You said we need more mustard and…”

  “Vinegar,” Tom Alan said. “For the coleslaw, but I can—”

  Erika handed Jesse a couple of twenties.

  “That’s a lot for mustard and vinegar.” Tom Alan added a scowl.

  “Grab some breakfast and meet us at the rink,” Erika told the kids.

  “You have to train on a holiday?”

  “You want to win, you train every day,” Tom Alan told Kensuke, quoting every coach he and Erika had ever worked with. “You don’t?”

  “Blew it off,” Kensuke said. “Not really a minimum wage kind of guy. Which car is yours?” he asked Erika as Tom Alan shook his head with disapproval.

  “The blue Escape.”

  “Blocked in.”

  “Then take Tom Alan’s.”

  “Kiki!”

  “The Viper? Prize! Damn, yo!”

  “Not even,” Milo said.

  “Tom Alan drives the orange Edge.”

  “Crap.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with my car. It’s nice looking, handles snow, there’s plenty of room to carry stuff…”

  “He’s hoping for an endorsement deal.”

  “Meryl and Charlie didn’t even get a car ad, yo.”

  “We’ll get one in Japan after 2018,” Erika said. “The keys are in the bowl by the front door. His have the MTA coin on the ring, like the ones he and Milo wear.”

  “Kiki!” Tom Alan whined.

  “They’ll be careful,” Erika promised.

  “Stick to the speed limit. Below it,” Tom Alan ordered. “Stop at all yellow lights, and nowhere but the store and McDonald’s. You can get breakfast there.” He swiped at his forehead. Still, he managed to stare down Kensuke. “Understood?”

  “Yes, sir.” Tom Alan’s glare forced a slight capitulation. “Chill, yo. I’ll treat your old man car like my own.” Even his surrender came with sarcasm. Tom Alan actually grabbed his chest as the front door slammed. Then he and Etsuko watched them leave from the living room window.

  “Your car will be fine.” Erika had followed.

  “And if it’s
not, love?” Milo, too.

  “We’ll…punish them,” she said. “No TV for a week!”

  Milo chuckled, but Tom Alan was quiet—too quiet.

  “Your car—”

  “It’s not my car.”

  “What then?” Erika asked.

  “I just sort of realized, I won’t be around to go through this with Etsuko.” Tom Alan held the toddler tighter.

  “Aww, Skater Daddy.” Milo hugged them both.

  “What do you mean? Of course you will be.”

  “You’ll be raising her with whoever, Kiki. You and your husband, Bill and his wife. Where do Milo and I come in?” Tom Alan shrugged. “We don’t.”

  “It’s not going to be like that.”

  “No?”

  “No.” Once again, Erika’s mind went to her father’s expression: Ku areba raku ari. The delight probably wouldn’t last forever, but the relationships would. “No matter what, you both will always be a part of Etsuko’s life. Anyone I end up with will have to understand that.”

  * * * *

  Despite the reassurance, it was as if Tom Alan had a black cloud hanging over him all morning long. “My car okay?” he asked the kids when Kyoko finally called for a break.

  “Perfect. Not a scratch. We even had it detailed—on my dime.” Kensuke handed over some bills and the keys.

  “You were gone long enough,” Tom Alan huffed.

  “Detailing,” Kensuke reminded him with a shrug.

  “Go put on your skates,” Erika said. Kyoko had actually bought them figure skates, first Jesse, then Kensuke, as she feared his feelings would be hurt if she didn’t. Tom Alan had scolded her for spoiling someone else’s children, one of whom was obviously already spoiled rotten—and not really a child. “This mood going to last all day?” Erika asked him once alone.

  “Maybe.”

  “Is it still about Etsuko?”

  “Maybe. Why can’t we just live together like we do now? Other than you watching me and Milo have sex,” he said on a hush, “what’s wrong with that?”

  Erika smiled. “Nothing. Except that I only get to watch you have sex.” Tom Alan raised both brows. “That’s not what I meant. Not totally. Funny thing is…well…not so much funny…I’ve actually thought about…” If Jesse could be brave, why couldn’t she?

  “About what?”

  “Never mind.” She chickened out. “I love the way things are now, except sometimes I feel kind of lonely.”

  Tom Alan hugged her. “I know.” It ended far too quickly. “I want you to have what I have. We were close to convincing Bill at one point…one big, happy foursome, except all of us miserable, because we’d have to pretend it was something else entirely. Lies, guilt, stolen romantic moments few and far between, the four of us always being careful about what we said and how we looked at each other…It’s hard to believe he wouldn’t go for that.” Tom Alan sighed.

  “I love him,” Erika said. She felt almost as relieved, saying it out loud, as Jesse must have the night before. “I don’t want to be with anybody else…in love or in bed…except him…and…and you.” She’d been on a roll.

  “Me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, Tom Alan. I truly loved you when we got married. I did. I still do.”

  “Oh. I…I love you, too.” He brushed her forearm.

  “No. I’m in love with you, or at least…” What was that damned word? “Infatuated.” Suddenly, that didn’t seem quite right, though. “Love…in love…and I think I always will be. With you and Bill. I think about our wedding night. I know you were hurting, but it felt so incredible when we gave in to each other…when we made love.”

  “Kiki…”

  “For you, too, I thought…in some ways…physically, at least. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself from wanting you again. I’m sorry. Don’t be grossed out.”

  “Shh.” Erika found herself in Tom Alan’s arms, wrapped around from behind. “I’m not grossed out.” He laughed a little. “Come on!” She loved the warmth of him, his strength, his smell. “You’re beautiful, Kiki. You’re sexy as heck…and beyond that, one of the most special—cherished—parts of my whole life. I need you. I…I need you to breathe…to live. You saved me as much as your parents did, and I absolutely adore you in every way possible.” He took a long pause. Erika’s heart began to race. She thought he was going to kiss her. “But…”

  “But?”

  Tom Alan let her go, but stayed right there. “I think it’s better if you try to…not think of me that way.”

  “Oh.”

  “For all of us.” He pretended to tighten the laces on his skates. “We’ve stayed too long.”

  “What? Who?”

  “Milo and I.” He stood straight. “We’ll go back to the apartment tonight. I’ll stay there while he’s gone.”

  “No. Forget what I said.”

  “It’s not because of what you said.” Tom Alan reached out to touch her but stopped short. “It’s just…the way it should be.” He turned.

  “That’s not necessary.” She pulled him back. “Why should you be all by yourself for two whole weeks?”

  “I’ll be sleeping by myself, basically, same as I would be if…if I stayed. We’ll still see each other every day. All day, Kiki. I need to give you some space.”

  “I never asked for space from you or Billy,” Erika shouted. “Tom Alan! We just talked about Etsuko…”

  “And I’ll see her, too, but if you want to be with Bill…” He slouched to kiss her tenderly atop her head. “I don’t want to be in the way. I’ve made up my mind.”

  “Back to the ice, you two,” Kyoko said over the P.A.

  “Back to the ice.” Tom Alan walked away.

  Kyoko worked them hard for the rest of the afternoon. They ran their complete short program, from the sign language opening to the final pairs’ spin, twice, and at the end of the second try, Kyoko just shook her head, and Erika, who had landed on her side twice, once with Tom Alan atop her, had to agree. When she emerged from the changing room her mother was watching as Jesse circled the ice and Kensuke moved in tune to the music. She felt a little bad about Kyoko—who had always been more powerhouse than ballerina on ice—trying to feminize the next Kris Letang. “Kensuke could have had something.”

  “Definitely. I don’t see it in the girl. Figure skating is not in her soul.”

  “No. But Jesse’s having fun. Mother…?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jesse is…Jesse has been going off with Milo to the city to meet people like him.”

  “Like him?” The confusion showed on Kyoko’s face.

  “A student group at NYU. A transgender group. Jesse is a boy.”

  “A boy?”

  Erika took her aside. “Jesse believes he was born into the wrong body. It’s called gender dysphoria…I think. I don’t know. I’ve read as much as I can online and half of it’s probably bullsh—wrong. The point is, Jesse…feels male, and she—he—wants to make the outside reflect the inside.”

  “Oh.”

  “It’s been difficult. But look how she’s come out of her—Dang it!—how he’s lit up in just the time he’s been hanging out with us, and especially the other people he can relate to down at NYU with Milo.”

  “It’s foolishness.” The pronouncement was not harsh, nor did it seem dismissive. The incongruity of words and tone left Erika without a response. “You do not do something so drastic for one person,” Kyoko declared.

  “You do,” Jesse said, skating up behind them.

  “Jesse…she didn’t mean anything.”

  “I most certainly did,” Kyoko stated. “When I was your age, I was afraid to turn my back on the kind of love I had, for fear I might never find the kind I desired. I just worry that changing for someone who will most probably not be a part of your life forever is perhaps not worthwhile.”

  “You think I’m doing it for Kensuke?” Jesse placed his hand upon his chest as if taking an o
ath. “I’m not. The one person I am doing this for is myself. Kensuke…” She glanced back to make sure he wasn’t too close. “Kensuke doesn’t even know.”

  “But you do, for certain.”

  “I remember one Halloween,” Jesse said, “my grandmother dressed me as Minnie Mouse. I was little, but I knew I didn’t feel like a girl. And I sure didn’t feel like a mouse.”

  The corners of Kyoko’s mouth twitched. “I see.”

  “Are you weirded out?” Jesse asked.

  “Certainly not,” Kyoko said without hesitation.

  A hoot and shriek echoed around the building. “Triple, baby! I just landed a triple toe, yo!”

  “Two footed. Under-rotated. Let some air out of that ego, buddy.” Tom Alan, finally out of the locker room, was all smiles, and Jesse stared at Kensuke with an expression saved solely for him.

  “You love that boy.”

  “Yes.”

  “Just that one, or all men? When you hide with your Internet, what do you watch?”

  “Mother!”

  Kyoko stood straighter. “This is a discussion, Erika. When a person is by himself, he is himself. Wouldn’t I know this? Shall we not be fully open?” she asked Jesse.

  “Only boys,” Jesse said. “But I’m not a straight woman, Mrs. Tsuchino. I’ve known since I was in kindergarten, maybe before that.”

  “Then that’s that.”

  Jesse threw herself into her. “I knew you were tight.”

  “That’s why she’s my role model,” Erika said. “She only wants what’s best for those she loves.” Erika was rewarded with a smile. “As much as you loved and respected father, you stood up to him.”

  “Except for that one brief period when I forced you into marriage claiming it was in his honor.”