Transitions Read online

  “One more month before Skate America. One more minute before your long program,” Irina Mischen reminded him.

  “You know it. We’re ready.”

  They were in first place after the short program had gone exceptionally well. Tom Alan was all smiles, and as he’d put his hands on the most intimate places on Erika’s body to send her twirling into the air or lift her over his head, he had been not the least bit tentative or awkward. She looked to the stands where she knew Billy and Etsuko were sitting. She offered a smile, though she couldn’t actually see them.

  “We doing the quad?” Tom Alan asked. His expression said he was all in. His cheek muscles would be the sorest ones on his body when all was said and done.

  “We’re doing the quad.” She gave his hand an extra squeeze.

  As Freddie Mercury hit the beginning of the climax to the song, Erika took a deep breath. The moment would soon be upon them, right before the instrumental section, where they rocked out for their footwork sequence. She was up. The rotation felt good. Both blades might have touched ice on the landing, but she was certain she went around four times and she was definitely still on her feet. The crowd seemed to concur. Their ovation nearly drowned out the guitar riffs.

  “First place!” Tom Alan called Milo the minute he and Erika finished speaking with sports press backstage, albeit in smaller numbers than what they’d gotten used to. “And full credit for the quad.”

  “Our GOE wasn’t great.” They had beaten the other teams by double digits for gold.

  “Congratulations, love.”

  “In just a few hours, you get to congratulate me in person—maybe both of us.”

  “And me,” Billy said.

  “What did you accomplish, Hockey Puck?”

  “I found the car in the parking structure in under ten minutes.”

  Back home, the three of them considered sleeping together. It was Billy’s idea. “Come in with us,” he’d said, once Etsuko was settled.

  “Naw. I…want to wait for Milo.” Tom Alan looked at the floor, until Billy brushed his cheek.

  “Hey. Just sleep. It’s been such an exciting day…I hate to see it end. Come on.”

  Erika was nearly hyperventilating, waiting for a consensus.

  “Because, really,” Billy added, “this isn’t just about sex.”

  “I know.” Tom Alan kissed Erika atop her head, just like he always did with Milo. “But…I still think I should wait.”

  * * * *

  Practice resumed the next morning. There was no time off with the elite season quickly approaching. Then, finally, Tuesday came. “Milo’s calling or texting me every hour,” Tom Alan said as they approached the rink’s entrance. “‘One more down,’ he says, ‘elev—’” Tom Alan’s words were interrupted by the squeal of tires peeling out from behind the rink. “Jackass.” They whirled around in time to see the red Camaro speed off down the road. “He better not have pulled some kind of crap.”

  “Like what?”

  “Graffiti, broken windows…I wouldn’t put anything past him. Or maybe he was smoking.” Tom Alan looked down as they walked to the side of the building, presumably for evidence to hang Kensuke without a trial.

  “I thought we were going to start giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just wanted to talk to us.”

  “I doubt it.” Tom Alan walked around the entire span of asphalt and crushed stone. Erika followed, because it seemed like the thing to do. He even parted the branches of shrubbery to peer in between them and looked under the three or four cars parked there. When they got to the front again, he stopped to place a call. Erika wondered for a second if he was calling the cops. “The number you are calling has been disconnected,” he mimicked. “He probably upgraded to a more expensive phone and got a new one. Spoiled brat.”

  “You’re being harsh.”

  “You’re being a sap!” So much for Tom Alan’s good mood.

  “Did you find anything?”

  “No. Did you?”

  “A red plastic string and…” She stopped for a breath she had to remind herself to take.

  “And what?”

  “A black marble.”

  “How did I miss…?” Tom Alan took the string. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh…”

  “Uh-huh what?” Erika rolled the marble Tom Alan had no interest in between her fingers as she tried to recall more about her dreams. “Kensuke’s eyes…”

  “This red strip…it’s like that piece you pull to start unwrapping the cellophane off a pack of cigarettes, right?”

  “Maybe. Do they still open like that? Either way, it’s one hell of a drive for a smoke break.”

  “Inconvenience be damned. He’s mocking us.”

  “Or…Think back to when you were in school and had the hots for Mr. Kobayashi. How many times did you wander down to his classroom for some phony reason only to turn around and bolt before knocking at the door?”

  Tom Alan smiled a moment at the recollection. “I wasn’t self-destructive.”

  Erika challenged that lie with a look.

  “I wasn’t a troublemaker.” Tom Alan’s expression softened with his stance. “Beyond protecting what’s ours, I don’t even know why I care.”

  “Because that’s how you are. Your anger isn’t hiding what you’re feeling deep down. You were lost at that age, too—cutting yourself…”

  “Okay. I get it.”

  “You like him.”

  “I do, Kiki. I tried.”

  “Maybe try again. Let’s get inside before Mrs. Mischen gets here and decides to give us detention.”

  “No way am I staying late tonight.” Tom Alan’s phone rang. “I don’t know how he’s sending these while working, but another hour down.”

  * * * *

  Etsuko ended up in Tom Alan’s arms the moment she arrived with Billy at lunchtime. They were all going to Skype with Kyoko in Japan a bit later.

  “Dada.”

  Everyone froze.

  “Over there,” Tom Alan said after a moment. “See.” He tried to turn Etsuko toward Billy, but she only had eyes for the man who held her. “Go see dada? Go see dada?” He tried to hand her over, but her shrieks indicated she’d rather stay where she was.

  “She’s been stuck with me all day,” Billy said. “She missed you. I figure half the reason she can’t sleep at night is ‘cause she misses Fisher, too. I know she’s been morning cranky because of that. He was the one who usually got her up, right? The first person she sees. The one she…she wants.” Billy looked from Tom Alan to Erika.

  “She didn’t mean it.” Tom Alan made his case to her, too, for some reason, as she bent over tending to a shoelace. “It was just…a sound. And even if it was on purpose, she’s just repeating what she hears. She doesn’t know what it means.”

  The front door clicked. They hadn’t moved far from it. Erika looked up in time to see Billy head back outside before anyone could catch how upset he truly was—or so he must have thought.

  “Aww, baby girl. You love your daddy. You love him so much.”

  The door reopened almost immediately.

  “Honey, she—oh.”

  It wasn’t Billy. “Hi. Am I bothering you?”

  “No, Jesse, not at all,” Erika said.

  “I called Coach Wahl this morning. He told me you’d be here today—and just said go on in.” Jesse chewed the inside of his cheek. “I was wondering if any of you guys have heard from Kensuke.”

  “Seen him,” Tom Alan said. “For about a second.”

  “You haven’t?” Erika asked.

  Jesse moved his head side to side. “That’s what Coach said, but I had to check. Kensuke hasn’t been in school since the first couple days and his cell is disconnected.” Jesse scraped his feet on the floor, like he had that first day on the ice. “I even tried to Facebook him, like, ya know, it was 2010 or something, but he didn’t hit me back.”

  “He was here,” Erika explained, “but he didn’t get out of the car, he just drove off.�
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  “His parents moved away.”

  “What?” Tom Alan spun around. “Away?” The movement made Etsuko giggle, but no one else was laughing.

  “Back to Japan,” Jesse said.

  “Japan! Does Kensuke have someplace to live?”

  “I don’t know, Tom Alan. I just found out. I went over there and the place was up for sale. The neighbor, like, said they were gone…back over there. You sure he didn’t go with them?”

  “Yes.” Erika put a hand on Jesse’s arm, a calming one, she hoped. “He was definitely here.”

  “Why wouldn’t he say anything? God.” Tom Alan was nearly as distraught as Jesse. “They just deserted him?”

  “He’s an adult,” Erika said softly. “He hasn’t been their responsibility for a while. Following Japanese culture…”

  “This isn’t Japan,” Tom Alan huffed. Had they been outside, he probably would have shown her the flag. “He’s still in high school! They abandoned him, and so did I.”

  “Now you’re going to turn your anger at him on yourself?”

  “Everything I said about him might still be true, but now at least he’s got a good excuse. You pegged it from the start. He was acting out.” Tom Alan searched his phone. For what, Erika didn’t know. “I think he sent that pic of himself through e-mail and not his phone,” he said. “Right?”

  Erika didn’t know that either.

  “I have his e-mail address, but he won’t answer that either.” Jesse tapped the screen on her phone, and then handed it to Tom Alan.

  While he fiddled with both, Erika turned her attention back to Jesse. “How did things go with your first psychiatric appointment?”

  “Good.” Jesse’s demeanor changed a bit. “I had two, actually, and it was, like, great to be able to ramble. I’m kind of leaning toward starting the hormones right away, but we decided—well, discussed—waiting until I’m twenty-one for the surgeries. That’s what I wanted to tell your mother. Dr. Mitch wondered if I might not consider experiencing the changes one at a time to see when I might feel whole. I liked that, right? ‘You’ll know when you feel whole,’ he said. He asked me if I was getting ahead of myself, and I kind of, like, had to say maybe I was. Eighteen feels like the end of something, he said. The end of childhood. Sometimes when a young man or a young woman hits that age, they think everything has to be mapped out. We feel like our adult life is starting and suddenly we gotta be who we’re going to be for the rest of it. I like this part, too,” Jesse said. “He goes, ‘You’ve most likely got way more life ahead of you than behind you.’ Dr. Mitch is on fleek, huh?”

  Erika wasn’t sure what that meant, but she smiled.

  “That way of thinking puts things in, like, perspective, right? And if you think about it, it’s really, really true. Even you guys have more life ahead of you than behind.”

  Erika laughed. “Even us old folks, yup.”

  “Almost certainly,” Tom Alan said. “At least that’s how it should be. Eighteen was right down the middle for my mom. That was an exception, I hope. I pray every night no one else I care about has their life cut so short.”

  Erika touched his arm.

  “Huh?” He seemed surprised, as if he’d been talking more to himself.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “You just…”

  “Typing a note to Kensuke.” Tom Alan frowned. “Begging for forgiveness. Insisting he write back. Pleading with him to write back. I’ll edit it before I hit send.” He shrugged. Etsuko smiled. “I don’t know, Kiki. When do we walk away? Like Mrs. Wahl said, I can’t raise someone else’s kid.”

  “I don’t know,” Erika admitted. She reached for the baby. “I guess that’s up to him. And maybe he already has.”

  She excused herself a minute or so later, after glancing toward the big clock over the door. She wanted to get to Billy with Etsuko before they logged onto Skype with Kyoko. She told him about Kensuke being there when they’d arrived and also what Jesse had just said about the Satos skipping the country. “Tom Alan and Jesse are going to try and get ahold of him through one of his other friends.”

  “Oh,” Billy said.

  “He has ‘about a million’ according to Jesse.”

  “Ah. I’ll try, too. Maybe he’ll answer for me.”

  “So how are you doing?” Erika asked as Billy typed.

  “I’m good.” Etsuko reached for her daddy. “Hey, Little Angel.” He traded his phone for her. “Hit send, babe, will ya?”

  Erika did.

  “I was just out here wondering what it’s going to be like for her growing up. If she goes to school and tells the other kids she has three daddies and one mommy, are they going to be mean to her? I want her to love them. I really do. But…” He kissed his little girl. “Is it wrong I want her to love me a little bit more?”

  “No.”

  “Ya know what? The last week or so has been kind of,” Billy whispered, “kick ass. Except, God help me, I miss Fisher. Our little family unit is pretty frigging unusual. People would be saying, ‘See. We told you gay marriage was immoral.’” Billy squatted, so Etsuko could stand on the pavement and play with a blade of ornamental grass in a large planter at the side of the building. His muscular thighs and a little bit more were on display up the leg of his shorts.

  “How would they even know? Tom Alan and I did our time splashed across tabloid magazines. We don’t plan on making a public spectacle of our sex life anymore. Who can say what goes on in other people’s homes? The Mischens might have swinger parties with Katarina Witt and Bela Karolyi for all we know.”

  Billy chuckled. “Okay, but seriously, what happens on parents’ night at Etsuko’s school? Would we all show up? Probably not. There are going to be times when we have to…pretend…for her sake that we’re just like everybody else. Every time I think of a solution,” he kissed the top of Etsuko’s head, “I think of another problem.”

  “The most important thing,” Erika bent over and kissed the top of Billy’s, “is that Etsuko is happy and that we are, too. Your childhood was picture perfect, you say, right?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Tom Alan’s was terrible and Milo’s had its ups and downs. Mine…my papa’s lack of affection—at least outwardly—was what it was, and we’re all in a pretty good place right now.” Why did Ku areba raku ari come to mind? “I think we need to stop looking for problems that haven’t arisen yet.”

  “I guess.”

  The big, gray, metal door beside them opened slowly. “Um, sorry to interrupt, Kiki,” Tom Alan said. “Kyoko is on.”

  “We’ll be right there.”

  “She’s not in Japan.”

  “No? Where is she?” Erika asked.

  “Thailand.”

  “Oh. We’ll come now.”

  Erika let Billy and Etsuko enter the building first. She wasn’t far behind. Brushing Tom Alan’s arm as he held the door, she offered him a faint smile.

  “Say hi to grandma. ‘Hi, Grandma.’” Billy pointed at the laptop, leaning over from where he stood behind Tom Alan and Erika’s chairs.

  “How’s…everything?” Tom Alan asked.

  That wasn’t the question Erika would have led with.

  “Dada.”

  Whether Etsuko said it to Billy or because Tom Alan spoke, who knew? She touched the computer screen, so she may have been referring to her grandmother.

  “Oh! Baby girl!” Kyoko marveled. “She’s talking.”

  “A little,” Erika said.

  “Did it sound British to anyone?” Billy asked. “It sounded British to me.”

  “Well, it will come faster now,” Kyoko said. “She’ll enjoy the attention she gets from using words. Congratulations again on your win.”

  “Thank you.” Tom Alan and Erika spoke in unison.

  “Your Japanese fans are quite excited fall is nearly here. The entire country cannot wait to see you.”

  Erika knew the exaggeration was only slight. “Jesse
’s here!” She hoped to steer her mother toward the reason for her unexpected trek to Thailand. Surely she wasn’t…

  “How are you, Jesse?”

  “Good, Mrs. Tsuchino. Everything’s good. Mostly. How are you?”

  “I am well. Your grandmother and I spoke. She is a devoted and loving guardian. You are quite lucky.”

  “I am.” There was a hint of regret, possibly, for what Jesse had put her through over B-boy. “I love her.”

  Are you still a her, Mother? Erika wanted to ask.

  “I shall make you wait no longer, as you all probably wonder why I am in Thailand. I assume it was the first thing Tom Alan revealed when he retrieved you.”

  Tom Alan looked away. “Kind of,” Erika said.

  It is funny how life works out. Had it not been for Jesse, I am not even certain how I would have broached the topic of yet another significant change in my life—the reason I am here.”

  Erika let out a breath. “I like to think we’d have been understanding and supportive either way.” Whatever she would like to think, Erika was pretty sure she’d have had a ton of questions, a slew of comments, and possibly even an accusation or two. She still might. A transgender teenager she hardly knew and her transgender mother presented two very different scenarios. “As long as you’re both happy.”

  Billy gave Erika’s hand a loving squeeze.

  “We are. I will be home by the end of October to see your debut.”

  “How different will you look by then, Mother?” Erika asked.

  “Kiki…”

  “Well…Weren’t you wondering the same thing, Tom Alan?”

  “Yeah, but I wouldn’t ask it.”

  “How different will I look?” Kyoko seemed baffled.

  “Have you been taking the hormones all along?” Erika tried to be more straightforward. “Or did you just start once you got over there?”

  Kyoko burst out laughing. It was far more raucous than Erika had ever seen.

  “Mother, it’s not funny.”

  “Oh, but it is. It really is. I am not transitioning, Erika.”

  “Oh. Your girlfriend is?”

  Kyoko laughed again. “What would even lead you to such an idea?”

  Erika wasn’t certain herself. “Thailand…I guess. “